Potholes, U-Turns and 4 Way Stops

A couple months ago, I got a phone call that would completely change my life. Not only would it change my life, but it would wreck me in the most insane yet most beautiful, perfect way ever. It would cause me to completely surrender every part of me to our mighty Savior and push me ever more to say "Not my will, but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42 “Father if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”) Starting from a very early age, there were things that I knew I wanted. I even wanted them so desperately that I would reason with God like “If you give me this, I’ll never eat chicken strips again” (he probably knew I was lying here). I thought having what I wanted in life would make my life that much better because obviously at age 8, I definitely knew what life should be like, right!? But I guess you can say I learned early that life does not always play by the rule book. It does not always play out how we intend it should. Natural disasters happen that we have no control over like hurricanes, tornadoes, and flooding. Things such as miscarriages and stillborn babies happen everywhere that turn lives upside down. The roads we thought our lives would take are now filled with pot holes, U-turns, stop signs, and four way stops. What are we supposed to do when our road called “Life” begins to look like a construction site instead of the freeway?

When I got the call to take my two sisters in you better believe Fear, the purple man, inside my head was going C R A Z Y trying to take over the controls and sending out mayday calls (please watch inside out). I have the HARDEST time with change. Change is one of my biggest weaknesses. When I was younger, change happened constantly and from being in 16 homes throughout two years, you can imagine why it is hard for me. Adding two children to the midst of me, my tiny, tiny house and my somewhat chaotic life, definitely flipped me sideways. I’m not the messiest person but I’m for sure not the cleanest. It’s mainly my clean clothes just not being folded that pile up. But add two more humans and that’s A LOT of clothes everywhere. Another thing was groceries. I can survive off of the bare minimal but these children cannot do that. My tiny house was overtaken. My life was flipped. And we had to develop new normalcy.

This past summer I attended Senior Camp in Tioga and while there I had major breakthroughs with worry, fear and anxiety. I declared to God and myself that I would no longer allow it to rule my life and be the deciding factor of how my life operated. Worship sessions where I poured my all out to God, changed me forever. Sermons and teachings that forever altered the way I think and believe. Before this camp fear, anxiety and worry literally RAN my life. I could never make decisions or say no to people without having the fear of “Oh God, what are they going to say about me?” or “What if they get angry with me?” I had fears from my childhood that pierced into every single aspect of my life that hindered growth and hindered relationships. I lived my life based off of my past and never truly felt freedom. Until this camp. I left Tioga as a different Melinda with different mindsets. Here I am not even a year later faced with a situation that has tried to break every single commitment I made the week I was in Tioga. The Lord has brought those special, vulnerable and honest moments back to remembrance. The moments where I was praying so intensely, sweat began mixing with the gut wrenching tears that poured down my face. The moments where I heard the tiny whisper of God saying, “You’re going back changed never to return to the old you.” Moments where I declared to God I wouldn’t become overwhelmed with the crippling fear and worry again. The Lord has allowed those sweet moments to slowly but surely play inside my mind reminding me of those commitments I made. Reminding me that fear has no control over me.

In the beginning of receiving these two precious girls, anytime I thought about the future, I’d crumble into fear and anxiety. Anytime I thought about how I would be able to afford to feed two more mouths, I crumbled. Anytime I thought about how my life was changing, I crumbled. I could not think about anything but the now and what is in the current moment. I was forced to think second by second, minute by minute. There was one scripture I thought about so very often that got me through the crippling moments.

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:25-24 NLT

This scripture got me through those first few days and weeks and is what I cling so tightly to now. I like how it talks about the birds and how they still survive. If something as small as a bird can make it through life finding food, can we not trust that God will take care of us as well? If our Heavenly Father takes care of the birds, can he not take care of us? If the flowers grow so perfectly and beautiful, won’t he also care for me? Worrying how I was going to take care of these children was not going to change the situation at all? It surely wasn’t going to help either. It would only make me frantic and fearful. The thoughts “What are we going to eat. What will they wear?” were absolutely thoughts that I thought about and asked ALL the time. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God placed me here for a reason. If He put me here, surely he will provide the necessities. And how could I doubt that when in RED, Jesus says our heavenly Father already knows all our needs and if we seek his kingdom first, he’d give me (us) all we need. (Red means Jesus said it by the way). I lived and am still living out this scripture.

My life in the past two months has been H E C T I C to say the absolute least. Not only has my life changed but so have these girls. They are learning just as much as I am on how to adapt to their new life. I now only have one, but not much has changed. It’s unique to watch how much she has grown in the past two months. From schooling to everyday life, she is learning her new normal. She is my little sidekick I never knew I needed who asks a billion and one questions. Life is still unsteady and we aren’t sure of what each day holds, but we are taking it all day by day. Regardless of where she goes or who goes with, she knows that my house is always her little safe haven.

As I said earlier in the blog, life doesn’t always play by the rules and you get some potholes in your road. But I have learned throughout my (almost) 23 years of living that it doesn’t mean you have been abandoned or forgotten. I’ve also learned, especially in this season, that God will use those potholes, U-turns and 4 way stops to draw us closer to Him, change us and to get rid of those things that are not of the Him; those things that do not honor Him. The Lord has stripped me and is continuously stripping me of those things making me more and more like Him. It’s not an easy process and it’s very testy but whatever it takes to rid me of this world and fleshly desires. I have always prayed for God to use me for His kingdom and I know for sure that is what he’s doing in this season. I have an awesome opportunity to reach my sweet girl in ways no one ever could. To teach her about the love of Jesus and hopefully make an impact and if that is what this season does, then SO BE IT.