a slave no more

     Children often times model themselves after their parents or the parental figures in their life. Their personal view of themselves become discretely molded and crafted by the actions and words of their parents. Combined with other influential matters, the positive or negative way children view themselves are revealed through their parents perceptions. What parents say about their children, what they say to them and even how they view their own selves greatly influence how their children's identity is being formed. 

     As a child, my parents did not have a healthy involvement in my life. Having been removed from their care at age three, it allowed them more freedom (so to say) to live how they wanted without any regards to having four children who needed them. Although our caregivers raised us to their best ability, my identity began forming and being molded by my mother and father. As far back as I can remember, I felt like I constantly had to fight for my parents attention, love and affection. Both of my parents had their own addictions and made their significant others more important than their children. Which in return made me feel like I had to do or be something in order to gain their love/affection. I wasn't good enough. When I became old enough to see their lies and broken promises, I began to distrust everything. I learned very quickly and so hard that nothing I did or said could make them change or want to be different. Their addictions, their selfish desires, their wants...it overruled my desperate cries for their attention and affection. Through that, I learned that my own feelings were not valid enough. They didn't mean anything. They weren't worth anything. As quickly as I learned these things, I encountered other traumatic experiences that just maximized the identity already molded by my parents. By age eleven, my identity had been formed based off of my parents and these experiences. And lets just say, it was not a good one. 

     "If my parents couldn't love me, how on earth could someone else want to love me", "My parents lied about everything, how can I trust that you won't do the same" were some of the thoughts I constantly had running through my head about other relationships. "I am not good enough", "I won't ever measure up", "Something is wrong with me" were some of the ways I harshly viewed myself. I thought the decisions my parents made were a direct view of myself, what it said about me. My mom moving to Ohio revealed I wasn't important enough to make her stay. My dad choosing to value his girlfriends children more than his own revealed something in me that just wasn't good enough for him. As I got older, more relationships began forming which meant more distrust, more negative thoughts about me if something went wrong. Because my identity was created at a young age, I carried it with me and allowed it to stick throughout my entire life. I thought my identity protected me. I thought it warned me from possible heartbreak. Possible hurt. But it didn't. It created this anxiety within me that was always prepared for the absolute worst. When beginning new relationships, it created a war within my mind that made me question the other persons motives. It sent me on quests to find out if their words actually held any truth. It began destroying my mind...that is until I deeply studied Romans 6.

     I have read Romans 6 multiple times before, but a couple week ago when I was studying it, something different stood out to me. The entire chapter is explaining what dying to sin and living for Christ actually means. Romans 6:4-11 says,

"4 For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives. 5 Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. 6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. 9 We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him.10 When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus."

     When I read these verses, I was reminded that my old self had been crucified with Christ when I was baptized. My old ways of thinking and viewing myself no longer has dominion over my life. Jesus didn't just die. He was resurrected and raised from the dead. Just as I spiritually was too, I now have the ability to walk in the newness of life. My anxiety, my fears, my worries, and all that I have allowed my self to be a slave to NO LONGER HAS DOMINION OVER ME. Those things do not have the final say. 

     As a child, my identity was molded by my parents. As a child of God, I must allow my identity to be molded by my father, God. He's a loving father who is working all things together for good and for His glory, in his timing. He is a father who loves me and sees me as valued. A father who accepts me as I am and diligently works to make me new. A father who loves me enough to correct me when I need correcting. Just as I formed those negative thoughts from my parents, I can form positive and life changing thoughts about how God sees me and what was done through Jesus.