He Will Hold Me Fast

On June 8th of this year, only by the grace of God, by countless prayers and by many talks with sweet friends/mentors, I stopped counseling. Almost three years of weekly (sometimes biweekly) counseling sessions filled with gut-wrenching memories and gruesome conversations all came to a close. And what a blessing that closing was.

Since the sixth grade (11 years), I have had nothing but the trauma of my childhood in an easily accessible spot planted inside my brain. The hurt and the memories were deeply imprinted even months and years after, continuously awaiting a trigger that allowed for sporadic flashbacks and nightmares to occur. They were filled with similar feelings and emotions that I once experienced; an overwhelming sensation of enduring it again. This created different emotions that became like a volcano waiting to erupt throughout my life and relationships, taking away my ability to feel loved and safe. 

After living this way for seven years, I made the decision to get professional help. I had gone to counseling before a few times, but not because it was something I wanted but because I was forced to go. Each time, the counseling never lasted long. But freshman year of college, I knew I needed to seek help. I looked online and found a counselor that incorporated scripture and the bible into the sessions. The first two years, I never spoke unless I was asked questions. My counselor did a lot of the talking as I just sat there, often times in another world unaware of what was being said. I did the "homework" and would talk about "surface level trauma" (as I like to call it). Nothing of the trauma I endured was easy to talk about, but there were situations that weren't as hard to discuss. So, for the first two years, I never thoroughly talked about the abuse from my brother or father. I could speak of them but never about what happened. 

Although going to counseling, I still experienced the nightmares and had the triggers. The smell of my father's cologne, the smell of cigarette smoke, and the smell of mint gum combined with alcohol breath (my dad tried to cover up his drunkenness by popping in a mint gum when he dropped us back off) were some of the triggers that erupted my thoughts, emotions and feelings. It didn't end until about a year ago when my counselor forced me to talk. I was in mid-sentence of answering her question when she interrupted me pointing out abruptly my lack of talking and the short surface leveled answers. My mind raced with anger and frustration as I argued with her in my head "How could she be so rude? Did she just not hear me tell her what happened this weekend (after having been asked)?" Oh, man was I furious! After the session was over, I got on the phone the SECOND I stepped foot out of her door, ready to complain to a mentor about what just happened. And surprisingly enough, after hearing me complain and nag about what was just said about me, my mentor, who knows me way better than I know myself, says, "What if she is right?". After getting over my pride and frustrations, I realized the scary depth of that truth. I had been going to counseling for almost two years yet I had not even come close to touching the deep trauma. MIND BLOWN. I had been discussing my day to day life struggles, reverting it all back to my childhood and seeing why I acted and coped the way I did. But never did I open the door to discuss what happened behind those closed doors and the memories that not many knew about. 

At the same time, I dropped my Criminal Justice class due to various triggers from the discussion topics and it was in those moments of knee bent prayers, that I knew I had to talk in counseling. It wasn't simply just talking though, it was being honest in counseling and with myself about the abuse as well as the emotional effects I still carried around with me. It was allowing the light of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness to be shown into the darkness of the trauma. It was allowing his truth to be spoken to me through my pain.

After talking with my counselor about potentially being ready to really talk, we began a book titled "Shelter Through the Storm"; a book that is full of scripture and of God's truth to the reality and depth of sexual abuse. I completely freaked out a few weeks as I awaited the arrival of the book. I began over analyzing the strenuous memories and being fearful of what I would feel after deeply remembering again. I cried out to God at the very start of this begging him to be near and knowing that this road ahead of me would be challenging, he did just that. At times when the memories overwhelmed me and hindered me from wanting to continue, I sought the Lord. Even when I sought out help and comfort from others, they all pushed me back to him. Even when I wanted to quit, H E held me fast. Even when at times it felt like it was only becoming worse, the Lord remained faithful and gave me hope.

We have been talking about the life of Joseph (one of my favorites) at church these past few Sunday's and it has been so good for me. The story of Joseph is one that I am always drawn to. Joseph was thrown into slavery by his own brothers, falsely accused of rape, and then thrown into prison for years. He suffered repeatedly for years and just when things began to look good, something else was thrown his way. But every time another trial came up, Joseph knew the Lord was with him.

"The Lord was with Joseph, and he became a successful man, and he was in the house of his Egyptian master. His master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord caused all that he did to succeed in his hands. So Joseph found favor in his sight and attended him, and he made him overseer of his house and put him in charge of all that he had." (Genesis 39:2–4)

"But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. And the keeper of the prison put Joseph in charge of all the prisoners who were in the prison. Whatever was done there, he was the one who did it. The keeper of the prison paid no attention to anything that was in Joseph's charge, because the Lord was with him. And whatever he did, the Lord made it succeed." (Genesis 39:21–23)

Joseph endured years of trial but he stayed dependent on God and trusting in him. He stayed faithful to the Lord throughout all the detours of his life and the Lord was faithful to deliver. Joseph went from being a prisoner to being in charge of all of the Land of Egypt. 

Although it took many years and challenging trials, He fulfilled his promise to Joseph.

Eight months after starting the book and having stopped counseling, I am in awe of the work God has done in me and his faithfulness to me when I, at times, doubted his presence. Looking back at the past ten years, I realized I was in bondage. My thoughts, my feelings, my memories, my emotions were all entangled together with the trauma of my past being its anchor, holding it down. I allowed my life to be defined by what happened to me forcing myself into believing lies that said I was unworthy and unloved. I spent years thinking that if I only knew why, it would lessen the hurt. 

Through the MIGHTY work of the Lord and counseling days that I thought would never end, I am content. I have seen countless stories revealing God's faithfulness and true character in the bible that I don't need to know why but just trusting in God and having faith in his promises is enough. And man, it is not easy for me. I like to know everything and if I don't know something, it scares me and makes me become fearful. But I am slowly learning to take life day by day. I am not oblivious to the struggles I will have even after stopping counseling. Situations will come up dealing with my childhood trauma, and they will be hard. But just as he has always done, the Lord will hold me fast. 

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10