time to get off

for {almost} twenty two years, I have been on a consistent roller coaster but one that had more downfalls than rising ups. I was well aware of the constant downfalls but for some reason I stayed on it with high hopes of the track changing courses. maybe there would be more ups. but year after year, it never changed. my mother, who was supposed to love me unconditionally and want me, was unable to do anything remotely close to that. I became all to aware of her abandonment and manipulation as early as age three. yet year after year of becoming familiar with her ways and continuously being hurt, my heart still desired her. I would go years without hearing a single word from her and the second she comes to “visit” I turn my life upside down to see her. which is what happened last week. after almost two years of not hearing or seeing my mom, she decides to come to Louisiana for an entire week. I chose to see her after already knowing exactly how seeing her would negatively affect me. I chose to see her even when my closest mentors advised me not to. I chose to see her with hopes of her somehow being a different person that maybe something I did or said would change and she could want me. Without surprise, that did not happen. What I had been protecting myself from the past two years, hit me like a dang freight train last week. She put in no effort to see me, the daughter she had not seen in years. And seeing that destroyed me. I sat around waiting for a text from her that said she wanted to see me. That she wanted to spend time with me. But, I never received it. And she never even knew that nor did she consider that I’d want to see her. When I did see her it was because of effort made by someone else. Not her. I was not surprised by her actions, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. It never does. I don’t understand and I get so frustrated that I can’t understand why she is the way she is. But just as many have told me already, I don’t have to subject myself to her and the hurt she brings along. Since her leaving, I have blocked her phone number and all social media so that I no longer will subject myself to constant pain and abandonment. The last few days have been tough because it aches me to finally accept what has been permanent the last twenty two years. It aches me that my hopes of her being different are diminished. It just painfully aches.

However, I have been reminded of a few things... some with the help of close friends and some of personal realizations.

If I never receive the unconditional love from her, I am not lacking love.

Just because she can’t love and want me, does NOT mean there is something wrong with me.

I do not have to subject myself to her hurt, her abandoning me, or her manipulation.

One person not capable of loving me does NOT mean I’m unloveable.

I have been extremely blessed with mother figures in my life who DO love me, who DO want me around. I cannot just focus on the one who doesn’t. This past week I set myself up to be hurt and completely manipulated. That was my fault because she no longer has the control to hurt me the way she did when I was a child. I am old enough now to protect myself and here on out, I will do that. I’m no longer the little girl who couldn’t defend herself, who couldn’t protect herself. I am learning at quite a slow pace, that the love Jesus has for me, the love of my church family and the love my closest friends have for me is enough to fill my voids. She’s the one missing out, not me.


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