Not My Will, But Yours Be Done

I was eleven when the questions of "why's" started rolling in. Ya know, it's those tough questions we ask God when we are suddenly faced with trials beyond our control. The ones we are forced to ask when the pain is too deep to even comprehend. The ones we ask when our life is shattered in a million pieces in front of our faces by the ones we loved most. The ones we ask when our life is completely turned upside down.

"Why me?' 

"What did I even do to cause this?" 

"Why did this happen?"

"Why did you let this happen?"

I am the type of person that has to know all of the details about something. I like to mentally prepare myself for everything. Sitting down with new people for the first time, going places without knowing anybody, that's all very difficult for me to do because I don't know what to expect. And the unknowing literally sends my mind on this roller coaster. So, as you can expect, when my questions of "Why?" hit me like a ton of bricks, I was spiraling. I can vividly remember the first time one of those questions popped in my mind. I was swinging on this really old black swing set across from my house. There were other people around me, but for a few seconds, I remember feeling as if there was no one there and the only sounds I heard came from the screeching metal of the swing set as I swayed back and forth. "Why me? What did I do to cause this?" It was a loaded question and the first time I was actually aware of how traumatic my childhood had been. Eleven years old and the weight of it all suddenly hit me. Before this moment, I felt like I was just living and surviving. But what's odd is that I wasn't even aware that I was surviving. It was just something that I knew I had to do. The trauma had always been there, so it became a normalcy. It was all I knew.  I had been in counseling for a few weeks prior and it's where I began learning that what I thought was normal wasn't actually normal but quite the opposite. So the weeks leading up to the first initial question, my mind had been in this shock stage. My normalcy had just been shattered and I was trying to process it all. When I started asking the "Why" questions, I was hoping that I would find an answer that would be satisfying. One that would bring peace to my eleven year old mind. An answer that could help me understand why the life I had was so different then others around me. One that could explain it all for me. 

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may be had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 

1 Peter 1:6-7

My pain brought great confusion and mass chaos in every aspect of my life. And sometimes, it still creeps back in. But when I read this, I am comforted. My trials and tribulations are momentarily compared to the eternity in Heaven. My faith is being refined to be more pure and genuine; to trust and be dependent upon Him and not myself or things of this world. I know that He is working even if I do not feel it or see it. We sing a song in church occasionally that resonates with me so much. It says, 

Even when I don't see it, You're working

Even when I don't feel it, You're working

You never stop, You never stop working

You never stop, You never stop working

I may have never gotten a clear answer, but I am okay with that. I had this vision in my head of how my life should've been, the family I would be in, the type of parents I would have, the type of job I would have. And I'm going to be quite honest with you and say that none of it played out the way I thought it would have or the way I prayed it would. Not even some of it. My life is completely different than what I would have chosen, but guess what... It. Is. Okay. It doesn't mean that my prayers went unanswered or that they were unheard. And I know that because his word says it in Psalm 66:19 "But God has surely listened and has heard my prayer." And also again in Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit." I am reassured that my prayers were heard and those years of crying out to God NEVER went unnoticed. You might ask me, "So how do you know that you're prayers were answered if nothing played out the way you wanted?" I may not have people to call 'Mom' or 'Dad' the way the world says you have to, or a family the way the world says you're supposed to have, but I probably have something a little better; something more than that. I have spiritual parents in my life who lead and direct me according to His will. They love me, care about me and want the absolute best for my life. And I have an entire church family full of people who bring me into their families and love me as if I was apart of them. I have friends who love me greatly and care for me the same way a family would. My will for my life would've been way different, but good thing living this life isn't about us right?! The way my life is currently has been hand-designed and created just right, in the way God knew was BEST. Every single part of it was put together like a puzzle that fits in just right. 

 

In those years of questioning why and wondering if God was hearing me cry out to him, He was working diligently and making sure every piece of my puzzle fit together. He made sure all of the corners lined up and each loopy curve fit together with His design. I catch myself looking at where I'm at and wondering "How did I even get here? How did all of these people get brought into my life?" and that is when I am quickly reminded that even when I don't see it, He's working; even when I don't feel it, He's working. And now, as I'm asking those similar questions, I am still comforted by Him. These questions don't shake my faith, but instead pull me closer to Him. I have recently been thinking about a particular situation due to the anniversary of it coming up this week, and I am very saddened by it. I think it's okay for me to grieve the situation, but not to stay in the grief. When the grief is heavy, the sweet Lord reminds me of his faithfulness in my life despite that situation. Even when things may have not turned out the way I pictured it, they turned out the way God intended for them to be. And I'm confident that His way, is better than my own. BY FAR.