Healing Beyond The Diagnosis

“Oh bless your heart. You are so young” the nurse said as she was applying the electrodes and lead wires to my chest after hearing that this would actually be my third time receiving a heart monitor within one year. After seeing the frustration and stress plastered across my face throughout the visit, she reassured me that everything would be fine and for me not to stress as I walked out the room. Unbeknownst to her, I would lose it seconds after walking across the empty parking lot. Many different things and scenarios ran through my mind. I was aggravated that once again, I would be going through the same things I had recently gone through months before. Blood work, heart monitors, EKG’s, echo-cardiograms. But, having a meltdown was definitely not on my to-do list nor did it even fit, so I quickly pulled myself together in enough time for my blotchy red face to clear up before I drove up to get my oil changed.

The nurse’s words kept ringing through my ears as I drove, “You’re so young.” While it’s definitely not the first time I’ve gotten this response, those words kept piercing through my already injured soul. One week prior to this appointment, I met with another heart doctor who didn’t give the greatest news either. When I shared the news with those close with me, they were on me about eating better, staying more hydrated and watching my caffeine intake. Although these things won’t “fix” my heart, it can definitely help it. The week leading up to the second appointment, I went back and forth throwing tiny little pity parties about how I can’t be like a normal 22 year old and eat the junk I want to eat. “I’m 22. I should not have to deal with heart problems,” I angrily told myself and others who would listen. I tried reasoning with myself about how the heck I would be able to eat healthy when I. EAT. NOTHING. I can’t tell you how many times this past week I have argued with God about the taste buds he gave me. Like why couldn’t He have allowed me to like more than one vegetable or allowed me to like healthy food. As silly as that sounds, I definitely have some angry emotions about my taste buds right now because apparently they’re decreasing my health as well. The nurse’s words pierced so deep because those words weren’t new to me. They were the fuel being added to burning flames.  

I left 5 Minute Oil Change already running late, so I picked up the phone and dialed the friend I was supposed to be meeting up with and let her know I would just meet her there. We spoke shortly and hung up. As I began driving, hot tears began to stream down my face.

Angry tears.

Frustrated Tears.

Fearful tears.

That meltdown was happening and I couldn’t stop it. My attempts of pulling it together quickly failed me and deemed impossible. I was headed to church for an event and knew I needed to get it together before I got there. I had 15 minutes. I picked the phone up and knew two people who’d be able to calm me down. The first call was no answer but as I greeted the second call, she immediately knew something was up. “I don’t want to wear this freaking heart monitor. I don’t want to do any of this” I said sobbingly to her. Although wearing the monitor is annoying, it’s not the physical means of not wanting to wear it. It was what it meant. What it imposed. To me it’s the unknown and what it would reveal in 30 days when I got it off. It was the feeling of defeat I felt from having to deal with this once again. It was the scariness of the entire situation. The building up of these emotions came tumbling down minutes before I stepped into an event. (How convenient).

I started reading Lysa TerKeurst’s new book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” a few weeks ago but stopped due to a busy schedule and I eventually forgot about it. While on Facebook earlier this morning, I came across a post that mentioned her book. It reminded me that I never finished, so I opened it up on my Kindle app and began reading. I read a chapter or two before I came across a few things;

“God doesn’t expect us to handle this. He wants us to hand this over to Him. He doesn’t want us to rally more of our own strength. He wants us to rely solely on His strength.”

“News comes at us to tell us what we are dealing with. Truth comes from God and then helps us process all we are dealing with. News and truth aren’t always one and the same.”

Those were like bright lights shining from a dark tunnel. Why do I have to try and figure it all out? Why do I try to rely on my own failing strength? As I’ve said before in other blogs, I struggle with feeling like I have to figure everything out and be in control. That’s one of the biggest struggles God and I have. I want to know what is going to happen. I want to know how things will work out. But when given this 30 day heart monitor, I am forced to step back and release control. There is nothing I can do to speed up the time. I must be still and patiently wait. I must trust that God is in control regardless of how my body may physically feel and even more so regardless of what the doctor says because my healing happened when Jesus was nailed to the cross. I have healing in Jesus.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

"For we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the trouble we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

In these next 30 days, I am convinced that I will learn more about patience and how to truly rely on God. To step back and say "Okay God, this is yours."Just as Lysa wrote in her book, I truly was not meant to handle this myself. I must realize that I am not supposed to figure this out. I must hand this over to a God who is M U C H greater than I. The one who has the ultimate say so. The one who can heal me. The one who can give me peace. The one who can give me comfort. I must seek after Him so that I may receive those blessings such as peace and comfort. When my monitor suspects something going on with my heart, it starts to beep. It lets me know that it's been recorded and transmitted. I have made it a point to say "Thank you for your peace and comfort. Thank you for healing my body" every time I hear it going off. I will stand firm on God's goodness and his healing regardless of the beeping and regardless of having to wear the monitor. My healing isn't based off of what the heart monitor reveals or what the medicine can do. It's based off of Jesus and what He did for me and I am standing on that the next 30 days.