Being Who I Needed When I Was Younger

If you've been following me on facebook, I'm sure you are aware that I now have three girls in my care. Three precious girls who at such a young age have already experienced much trauma which honestly makes the whole "raising" them quite difficult. I'm twenty four with no children of my own, never really been in a relationship and still healing from my own trauma. So to say that this has been a H U G E roller coaster is quite the understatement. But, with each passing day we have made it through. Sometimes barely and other times with flying colors.

    The first few weeks were awful, and again quite the under statement. If I'm being honest, I wasn't in the correct state to even take on children. I was barely getting myself out of the bed. I was in such a large pit that adding three children was NEVER apart of my plan. (L O L, "my plan" little did I know). Once I got the girls, things actually went downhill. One of the girls had a really hard time adjusting and settling in. There were door slamming, hateful words, crying, screaming... it was rough. Many times I thought that they would need to remove the child. It was causing so much chaos in the home and even with the other two girls. Many times I thought that there was no way that I was capable of raising the girls and sometimes I still have familiar thoughts. It's no joke. A lot of what the girls are going through and dealing with are the same things I, myself am currently dealing with. How the heck was I supposed to walk through this with the girls when I couldn't even do it myself; I hadn't even learned how to do it, how was I supposed to teach them. 

    These girls are SO much like me, it's not even funny. Maybe it's the same trauma, but they react and act just like I did and sometimes even still do. With that being said, it does make me quite a few steps in front of them though. I see how they act and I know exactly why they are acting that way. I know what's going on inside their minds for the most part. So, it does make "handling" them a bit easier if that's even possible because let me tell you, this is NOT easy. Dealing with children or anyone for that matter that has dealt with some type of trauma beginning at a very young age, isn't for the weak. Trauma changes you. It changes the way you think. It changes the way you view things. It changes the way you trust if you even do after such things. I've been changed by my trauma, so when the girls act a certain way, I understand them and I understand why. However, the downside of that is when I'm lecturing the girls on specific things I've yet to even overcome. Now that's tough. How am I supposed to teach them when I can't even do it myself? It's one of those "kick you while you're down" moments. 

    In having the girls, it's taught me a lot. It's taught me how absolutely annoying I am. The girls rely on me for just about everything. They rely on me for love, for acceptance, for hugs, for reassurance, literally everything. And sometimes I want to shake them and say "Can I just have 5 seconds without anyone touching me or wanting a hug!" If you know me deep enough, I'm sure you're probably laughing. They are literally me split into 3 tiny bodies. It's comical at times but sometimes it's a rip my heart out of my chest moment. I now see what "my people" deal with from me. It makes me sad and angry all at the same time. Am I really this needy? Do I really need this much reassurance? Do I really need this many hugs? Do I really have to sit by them and never leave their side? It's been quite the eye opener. But it's teaching me at the same time. I have a really huge problem placing unrealistic expectations upon "my people." I look to them for love, acceptance, reassurance, healing.... just like the girls look to me. And while I can love the girls and help them, I can't do it like the Lord can. My love for them will never be enough to heal their broken pieces. My people can love me with everything in them, but it still won't be enough. It'll never "fix" me. It'll never heal me. It won't ever satisfy me. Only the Lord is capable of doing such things. And before having the girls, that was hard for me to accept. 

    It's been hard, because it almost feels like I am reliving my own trauma. The youngest is three, almost four and when I was her exact age, I was also taken from my parents. Seeing the way she is trying to understand what's going on and understand how to cope with not being with her parents, has been tough for me to witness. Although, I don't remember much of that age, I imagine I struggled just as she has been. I imagine I whined for my parents and wondered when they were coming to get me. It rips my heart out. It makes me want to go to my three year old self and hug her tight. Makes me want to tell her it's going to be okay. I do it with the youngest. When she whines for her parents and wants to "go home", I try to explain the best I can. I picture myself when I was three and I do what I needed. Sometimes I just don't even have words for her, I just pull her in close and give her lots of lovings. 

    The older girls are eleven and twelve, but this perspective is a bit more trying and difficult. I remember their age. Since I've had them, I've had to walk with them through quite a bit. Things I vividly remember walking through myself at their age. The places they've had to go, the people they've had to speak to, the nightmares they've had to deal with. The feelings and emotions they're had to deal with. I was them. I am them. The exact things I've tried to forget are things I've been having to walk hand in hand with the girls. It's opened up doors I've had shut for years. It's helped me heal in some areas. During that age there wasn't anyone to hold me when I was crying and didn't understand things going on. There wasn't anyone who said "It's going to be okay." I was alone in my trauma for years. However, I have the ability to be to these girls what I needed at their age. And that in itself is just healing beyond words. I can hold them while they cry. I can have tough conversations with them about what's really going on. I can be present. The trauma itself is hell, pure freaking hell. However, the hell and being alone through it does something to you. It breaks you. It tears you down. It creates things in you that should NEVER even be apart of you. And as long as I can, I won't allow the girls to experience the same thing. 

    I won't ever understand why I went through the things I have gone through. I won't understand why people in my life chose to leave me and abandon me. I won't understand why people made decisions that would hurt me and affect me for the rest of my life. I won't get it. And maybe I won't ever know why. But, what I am beginning to think is that maybe the pain and heartache I experienced in my own life will help me be what the girls specifically need and desire. Maybe it will help them grow. Maybe it will help them see you CAN survive and come out of this. Maybe it will show them there is hope beyond right now. Maybe it will show them that there are good people in this life who won't hurt and use them or leave them. Maybe this time with me will show them that God has bigger plans. Maybe it will show them that the enemy doesn't get to win. The saying "Be who you needed when you were younger" is in full effect right now. I know what I needed at their ages and I will do my best to be that to them. I will love them with everything in me. I will be with them until the absolute end and not give up when things get hard. It'd be easier to pass them along to someone else because "they are too hard for me to handle" however, what good will that do? It will only show them that not everyone stays, that everyone will leave when it gets tough. I have that mentality and I refuse to allow the girls to feel that as well. I will fight for them. I will stay. I will be present. Because that's what I needed. 

    I've done a lot of rambling. And if you've made it this far that's great. This is quite a new experience for me and I hope to look back on these posts and remember how faithful God was to me. I want to remember all he has revealed to me throughout this time of having the girls. Thanks for reading

xoxo