Protect Your Landing

There are many things that occurred in my life that I never would've chosen to walk through had I been given the opportunity to actually choose. And honestly, it's okay if I never have any of my "Why?" questions answered. Don't get me wrong; I would have loved to have a 'normal' home with two loving parents and a typical family dynamic, but sadly that's a lot to even ask for in today's world. It's more common to find dysfunctional and torn apart families. So, ya kinda have to take the cards you're dealt and figure out what you are going to do with it and that's what I'm doing. 

I make this odd defense coping mechanism joke about how the only thing my mother gave to me was the color of my eyes. It's sad when other people here me say it because it points out the abandonment and neglect, but making jokes about my pain is kind of this fault I have. (shout out to Corrine, Katie, Torri and Beth who encounter these on a daily). Anyway, the color of my eyes isn't the only thing my 'mother' gave me. Somehow, I inherited her anxiety and her pickiness with food. I got her beat BY FAR with food pickiness by the way but that's just a fun fact. I wasn't around my mom a lot, more so she wasn't around me so it kind of boggles my mind how something so big could attach itself to me without having seen her anxiety in action. We've had very few encounters with one another besides the first three years of my life simply because she chose not to. Now that I'm quite older it is my choice to keep her out although she wouldn't want to be around even if I allowed her to, sadly. With all of that being said, one of my main cards is anxiety. I say my mom gave this to me and while I think that has a huge impact, I also know a lot of things that I've encountered has maximized the anxiety as well. 

Although I had anxiety attacks, my biggest struggle was always with my thoughts. I think about EVERYTHING. I'm a processor. I hate phone call conversations because I want to be able to process and not be rushed to respond so quickly. Like I hate them so much that I will deny the call even with the phone in my hand, text back a few minutes later and say "Sorry, I missed your call. What's up?" Another fun fact about me. Sorry in advance to those who try to call me. Honestly, it would probably save me a lot of trouble if I didn't process so much, but God's going to have to seriously do some hard handy work for that to change, It's just what I do. Another shout out to my tribe who gets books and books from me because I'd rather text and not call (mainly Sis Michelle.. you're a champ). Anyway, here is how my thinking causes my anxiety. One thought will pop in my head. Not so much random, I guess because I firmly believe that Satan knows our weakest points, so he uses that against us. In my case, it's by thoughts. I imagine my head to be like the sky and my actual brain where I stop the thoughts, the landing and runway. There's constantly thoughts running through my head..the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. The problem I had is that I allowed every thought that flew across my mind to land because they all seemed reasonable. That's where the enemy gets ya. I had anxiety and fear that people weren't genuine and didn't mean what they said. I feared that people were going to leave me. I feared that all people were going to hurt me. All reasonable thoughts being that two of the main people who are supposed to love and protect me did quite the opposite. I would allow these thoughts to sit and fester inside of my mind, going back and forth about the possibilities that could take place. It would then affect my judgement of those people. I allowed it to twist my judgement and my thinking about who the person actually was and their true intentions. Then finally, it starts affecting my relationships because now I have made myself believe the absolute worst and placed it upon that person. So through all of this processing I've done, these relationships starts to be affected by this due to my lack of trust. On one hand, I do believe it is okay for me to be cautious with who I allow in my life. I want to be cautious in that way. But I also don't want to believe the absolute worst about someone. 

With my current relationships, I often focus on this scripture that has gotten me through a lot of mental battles... 

"Philippians 4:8. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

I like the way the amplified says it..

"Finally, [a]believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]."

"Whatever is confirmed by God's word"... "BRINGS PEACE"... "center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart."

I believe that in order to act upon this scripture we must realize that we have control over our thoughts. *LOUD GASP* It's true; we do. Not every thought has to land even if we have every reason in the book to say "That could be true!" or "That could actually happen!" There's plenty of things we can base our thought process on, but the past is absolutely not one to use. We must base our thoughts upon God's word and what He says. If we are proactive and actually fight back, there wouldn't be so much damage. You can stop the damage from happening and gain back your relationships. We give so much control and power to the enemy. And notice that I am saying "we" because I'm preaching to myself as well. I understand the war and the mental battles. But we must protect our landing and be cautious with what we allow to land in our minds. 

I have this little heart problem and a couple months ago, I had a procedure to try and fix it. 
They went in to try and burn the part of my heart that was causing the problem. However, with my case the problem was too close to the electrical currents of my heart so it still occurs every now and then. Not as much as it had before, but definitely still occurs. Within the past two months or so, my heart started doing this weird little thing where it feels like it flips, stops beating, and takes my breath away all in like one second. And then it goes back to normal. I notice it way more when I don't take my medicine as consistent as I need to, but sometimes it still breaks through the medicine. It doesn't affect my life, it just gets me by surprise each time. But after it's no big deal.

I think that anxiety is the same way as well. I know that God has delivered me from a tremendous amount of situations that crippled me with anxiety. I know that anxiety USED to control my life. It doesn't anymore. But it's just like my heart problem. If I stay consistent and take my medicine twice a day like I'm supposed to, those abnormal heart beats become less frequently. It's the same with my mind. If I fill my mind with the word of God (my medicine), listen and obey that, and live my life for Him, the attacks and mental battles become less and less. Even if I stay consistent with doing those things, maybe one will pop in and surprise me but at least I know what to fight the battle with and who is going to win it because it's already been won. 
("I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33)

My heart beats can be so abnormal at times that even if I'm just a few hours late on taking my second dose of medicine, I realize it quite quickly. My heart reminds me that it needs that medicine to beat correctly and to stay in rhythm. It's just like my mind. I need the word of God to fill my mind so that I am able to be proactive and carefully sort through my thoughts. If I miss out on daily quiet times, I start to feel it just as if I miss a dose of my medicine. The fear tries to creep back in. If I miss out on prayer with God, I feel it. The anxiety tries to creep back in. Just as my heart needs medicine twice a day to stay on track, I need the word of God daily to get me through each second, each minute, each hour, each day. I need him to survive. I need him to help me protect my landing because without Him, all of the thoughts land and all control goes back over to the enemy.

I make this joke with my younger sister all the time about protecting my head space and my bubble. But I know that it's actually serious and quite beneficial. I know that scary movies make my fear of the dark even worse, so I'm not going to watch it. Watching movies like that is like saying "Bring on the fear of being murdered or kidnapped as I'm pumping my gas!" And I for sure don't need any help with having those thoughts.... so that's why I got my Pastor to watch me pump my gas last night. God gave me wisdom folks, not fear ;) (also shout out to the best Pastor ever)

Be careful with what you allow to land. Things can fly in your sky, but don't allow everything to land and unload their baggage. And watch what you pickup at the baggage claim when you allow it to land.